She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
