so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
