May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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