I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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