i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
