and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
