i barfeds in our rink
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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