I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Do you remember whose house we're in?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
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