Your dad touched me again.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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