I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
