just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I AM VODKA MAN
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
