i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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