eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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