I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Ladies don't puke and tell
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
