I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
should my penis look like a turkey
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
