So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
