so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Just pee around me
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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