Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
