Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
