The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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