3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
