Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
