I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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