The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
