I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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