Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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