if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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