I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
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