Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
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I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
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let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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