Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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