Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
