my mouth tastes like poor choices
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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