ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
