enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
