a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
