I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
