At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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