Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
