you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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