I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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