I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
