just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
