I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
