Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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