sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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