my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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