I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
