eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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