Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
