Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
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She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
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No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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