Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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