i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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