I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
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Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
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We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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