The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
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