I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
