i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
