mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
