why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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