If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
