can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
