Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
