this just has baby written all over it
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
