Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
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Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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