A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
