I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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