Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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