our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
